I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
