i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
