Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
