i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
