Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
3pm strippers are depressing
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
