I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
