Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
