Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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