I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
