He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
