Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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