The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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