i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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