Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
