i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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