Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
