The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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