she woke up with a sticky ear
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
