U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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