I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
