If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
