I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
