I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
