I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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