Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
