Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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