i already hear my dad disowning me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
