I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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