please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
