so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
