Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
