Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
