If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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