My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
