i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
