i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
