Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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