Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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