I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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