Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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