I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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