I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can you bring me the toilet please
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
