I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize