god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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