i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
