Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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