I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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