I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
