This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
