life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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