Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
True strength comes from lack of pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
