I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
