I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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