The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
