I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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