make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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