just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
