My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
People in love make me want to vomit
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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