At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
