Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
